


Transgender Dysphoria Blues

by theflyingpeanut



Series: Overwatch Rides Again [17]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, F/F, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Much nicer stuff later on, Self-Hatred, Trans Aleksandra "Zarya" Zaryanova, Trans Angela "Mercy" Ziegler, Unpleasant Consensual Sex at the start
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-23 07:29:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17076014
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theflyingpeanut/pseuds/theflyingpeanut
Summary: It's hard to be trans. Hard to deal with the judgement of others, the expectations of what you should be, the self-loathing and doubt that can build inside as you try to be the person you want to be, as you compromise so much of what makes you happy to just try and get by in life.Aleks might have happy relationships now, might be with people who love her for who she is. That doesn't make all of that just go away, though. Doesn't take away all the hurt that came before it.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably one of the most deeply personal things I've ever written, so of course I chose to base it all around Aleksandra, the character I relate to the most. This is largely not fun, but I hope anyone reading it gets something out of it at least.

“I still can't believe that we're meeting again like this. I haven't seen you since school and now you're… Well, you've changed. Changed a lot.” Aleks grinned, taking a sip of her drink and feeling it burn down her throat as she stared at the girl in front. Forgotten her name a couple of drinks ago, just before she'd been dragged of to a bedroom. Too embarrassed to ask any more. Didn't want to mess things up when she'd gotten so far.

“Been three years. A long time so, uh… yeah. Probably not the only one.” Sober enough to speak reasonably clearly. That was good. She could work with that. Didn't want to be getting sloppy tonight. Wasn't really used to having girls this pretty fawning over her. It'd be good if she could get her to do it again.

“I don't know. Probably not anything as big as this.” She was standing up now, moving in front of her and putting a hand on her chest with a grin. Aleks stared into her eyes, starting to grin back as she felt a touch along her collarbone. Not exactly her tits, but it still felt nice. Still a good start. “You're still so big. Might even be bigger than back then.”

“Oh. I, uh… I work hard?” The girl started chuckling, and she felt her face flush and her gut twist as she was slowly pushed back onto the bed. She opened her mouth to speak, slowly closing it again as nothing came, as fingers slowly worked their way down the middle of her chest.

“It was so weird finding out what you'd done. You'd always just been this big guy from school, but now… God, you look amazing.” Aleks felt her stomach twist a little tighter as the girl's hand moved lower, felt the hairs on the back of her neck rising as she leaned in for a kiss. She closed her eyes, trying not to think as the girl pushed hard against her, as a hand moved down to her crotch. Couldn't stop herself from freezing up as she felt her gripping her cock, though. Couldn't stop her stomach from dropping as she heard the girl quietly chuckling above her. “Still not ready, huh? Don't worry. I'll get that sorted.”

Aleks' breath caught in her throat as she felt her jeans being unzipped, as a hand slipped inside of them and took hold of her. She kept her eyes closed tight, one hand gripping the sheets tight as she tried not to think about what the girl was doing. About how rough her grip was. About how she seemed far more interested in how hard she was than anything else. It didn't matter. If she was enjoying it, that was what matter. Aleks wanted to make her feel good. That would be enough for her. She could be happy with that.

She lifted a hand to the girl's face, guiding it back to hers for another kiss. A little softer this time, a little bit gentler. If she could have that, then she could deal with the rest. She moaned softly against her lips, brushing her tongue across them and feeling her cheeks flush. She stroked her thumb across her cheek, moving her other hand up and through her hair. So much hair, lovely and dark and spilling down all over her face, tickling her a little bit but not enough to make her stop. Nowhere near enough. This was what she needed. Needed to be close. To be sweet. To be gentle.

And then it was gone. No more kissing, no more brushing her cheek, no more hair. The girl was sitting by her side and smirking down at her, one hand still doing something with her cock. Harder to ignore it once the nice stuff was done. Aleks wondered if it was the first she'd touched and felt her stomach sink. Not a good thought. Not a good place to go.

“Hey. You good to go? Because this certainly is.” Aleks followed her gaze down to her crotch and felt her stomach drop again. She wasn't wrong. Definitely ready for something at the moment, even if it wasn't what she'd really been hoping for. She could still try, though. If that was what was wanted, she could suck it up. She could power through. She always did.

“It, uh… Might not stay like that for long. Just, you know...” Aleks trailed off as she watched a condom being pulled down over her cock. Her cock, hard and ready and just… there. Only part of her that had been undressed. The first thing this girl had wanted to see.

Shouldn't have put her drink down. Would have been easier to have more if she didn't have to search for it. Wouldn't look so sad.

“Don't worry about it. Happens to plenty of guys I know when they drink. Just relax. Got other options if this doesn't work.” Aleks felt her heart beat a little faster as the girl laid down next to her, heard a quiet pounding in her ears. No point bringing it up. No point making a scene. She pushed herself up, reaching across to grab her drink and finishing it off as the girl took off her trousers. She sucked in a breath as she felt it burn down her throat, as she waited for a moment of dizziness to pass. Probably shouldn't drink any more tonight. Probably not a good idea.

“Do you want me to go down on you first? Really happy to do it if you do. Really happy.” Aleks tried not to look too disappointed when she shook her head, setting down her glass and slowly moving between her legs. Her body was starting to get heavy. Head was feeling fuzzy. Hard to argue with the hand at her collar pulling her closer. Hard to think about anything at all with the other one guiding her in. She squeezed her eyes shut, hoping she'd think it was because it felt good. Hoping the booze would numb the discomfort soon enough.

She really was pretty. Aleks stared down at her lips, at the little scar sticking down from the middle. She wondered how it had happened. Could have been a fight. She wondered if people commented on it much. If she was sensitive about it. She leaned in to kiss her again, trying to keep it soft before her head was grabbed and pulled in hard. She let out a little gasp, face burning as she a little moan joined it. She heard the girl chuckling, felt her her stomach twist up as she was pulled back into the moment.

“Harder. Fuck me harder.” She felt her face burn again as she started thrusting faster, trying to find some way to make it a little less unpleasant. She didn't think there was any way she could enjoy the act, but maybe it didn't have to physically hurt. Be easier if she didn't have to do it so hard. She didn't understand what she was even getting out of it. It didn't even vibrate, she wasn't even touching her clit. If it made her feel good she'd do it. She always did. She just wished that they could have done something nicer. That she could have been gentle. That she didn't have to feel her skin crawling with every thrust.

She was never going to be a woman.

She needed more drink. Needed to think less. Wasn't any way to do that, though. Couldn't stop fucking her to go get drunker. She was too drunk to figure out how. Just had to power through it, think about something else. Think about how much this girl wanted her, how much she was enjoying it. Anything but herself.

“Are you, uh, having problems?” Aleks stared down at her, trying to figure out what she could mean before she slowly started to realise. She was soft. Embarrassingly, wonderfully unfuckably soft. Her thrusts came to a stop and she slowly backed up, trying her best not to grin as she was finally free. Didn't want to look like she was happy about this. Didn't want this to seem like the relief it was.

“Sorry. That, uh, happens. Plenty of other options though, right?” She grinned as the girl nodded and hopped off the bed, feeling her cheeks flush as she watched her wander over to her bag. So many possibilities. Vibrators or strap-ons or… Or a little bag of pills. “Could go down on you if you want? Still very happy to do it.” She shook her head, grinning and skipping back across to the bed.

“No need for that. One of these and you'll be hard for hours.” Aleks forced a smile as she took the bag from her, dread filling her stomach. Hard for hours. What a horrible prospect. She didn't want that. Didn't want to spend hours hating herself just so this woman could have the worst kind of sex she could offer. Why was she still even here? “This is gonna be great. Trust me.”

“Alright. Might as well.” Aleks watched the girl smile as she spoke, and she felt her guts twist up again. Of course she was still here. A woman wanted her here. How could she ever walk away from that? “Can you get me a drink to take this with? Something strong?” The girl nodded and left the room and she finally felt a bit of relief. She could do this. Just needed to relax a bit. Needed to stop thinking so much.

She hoped she wasn't going to cry. That really would ruin the night.


	2. Chapter 2

Angela stared up at the ceiling, tapping her foot as time slowly drifted on. She wasn't used to being the one waiting on Aleks. She always had too much to do, always rushing out and apologising for taking so long. This was a bit of a change, and not one she was particularly happy about. Any other day and it probably wouldn't have been so bad. Then again, there hadn't been many other days where she'd been waiting to see Aleks in a dress. It wasn't something that happened much, and it didn't make being patient easy.

Admittedly, it wasn't time it had happened. She'd shown off a couple before, old things that had never made it outside of her room. They'd just kept their dinner dates up there, herself and Aleks and Ana. Didn't matter how beautiful the two of them told Aleks she was, didn't matter how very obviously happy she'd been to wear them, because she'd always stuck to the same kind of clothes when they headed out. Jeans and a shirt, or maybe a suit if things were going to be fancy. Aleks always said she had a look to live up to. A reputation to maintain. Seemed like a shame to Angela, but she'd never really pushed the subject. Not like she ever looked bad, really. She could make anything look good. Just a bit sad she didn't do it with dresses.

It was happening tonight, though. Ana had picked a very pretty black dress up and from what she'd said, Aleks had loved it. Promised to wear it to the next big party they were going to have. She'd apparently been incredibly excited about it, though seemingly not enough to actually get ready on time. They'd already moved well past the point of being fashionably late, and Angela really didn't want to wait much longer than that. She sighed, stepping up to the door and gently tapping it with her knuckles.

“Are you doing alright in there, darling? Do you need a hand with anything?” Angela frowned as she heard swearing from beyond the door, resisting the urge to walk right in and see what exactly was wrong. Had she damaged the dress? Did it not fit? Certainly she was big enough for it to be a possibility, though she doubted Ana would buy something without being very careful about the sizing. Still, she didn't have to wait much longer. The door swung open a little, and she waited a second before pushing through and staring open mouthed at Aleks.

“Can you close the door? Don't want anyone else to see.” Angela nodded, face flushing a little as she stepped through and kept staring at Aleks. She looked amazing. Stunning. The other dresses had been nice but this… this was something else. Well, it was a little black dress, but it looked incredible on her. Wonderfully tight. Angela didn't thing she'd seen Aleks wearing anything that showed off her chest as well as this before. No sleeves either, which really was an excellent choice on Ana's part because she could happily look at Aleks' arms all day. Plus the little straps on the back gave her a pretty terrific view of those big, muscular shoulders too. She grinned, licking her lips as she watched Aleks pull her dress and check herself out in the mirror. Ana really had chosen well. She just looked… Beautiful. As beautiful as Angela had ever seen her. “I look awful. I'm getting changed.”

“What?” Angela stared at her, slowly shaking her head as she turned around and motioned over her body. She stood up, grinning as she walked forwards and took hold of her hands, squeezing them tightly. “You look amazing. Incredible. I really don't know what you're talking about here.”

“I can't wear this. It doesn't fit right. It's too tight. Shows too much.” Angela kept staring, mouth hanging open as Aleks walked around her and slumped onto the bed. She slowly moved in front of her again, resting a hand on her shoulder and smiling softly. She'd never seen her like this before. Wasn't sure how to deal with it. Wasn't sure what was wrong.

“You're gorgeous, and this dress fits you wonderfully. Everyone's going to love it. Trust me.” Angela smiled down at her, squeezing her shoulder a little and listening to her sigh. She frowned as Aleks turned up to her, as she watched her quickly rub away a tear. She thought she had an idea about what was really wrong. About what the real problem with the dress was. “You don't have to wear it if it doesn't feel good. Might help to talk about why, though.”

“I… It's...” Aleks trailed off, and Angela smiled softly at her, pulling her in for a hug and gently rubbing her hair. She'd been growing it out a bit longer. Roots were starting to show. She never really got to see the blonde much. It was pretty. The pink was nice, but it'd hardly be the worst thing if she went natural for a while. “I feel like a man. Feel like a freak.” Angela sighed softly, hugging her tighter and feeling her body shake a little. She'd been right. For once, she really wished that hadn't been the case.

“I'm sorry. I know how much that can hurt. I can help you pick out something else, if you'd like.” Angela felt her nodding against her stomach, felt her arms being lifted as she slowly stood up. Angela smiled up at her, brushing a tear away from her cheek and watching her grin a little. “You really do look lovely. You're gorgeous, Aleks. You don't have to wear the dress, but I just wanted you to know that.”

“Thanks. Can't see it, but thanks.” Aleks chuckled a little as she pushed past her again, and Angela watched her turn away from the mirror as she slipped out of the dress. “Don't have to stay. I can meet you in the hall once I've got a suit on.”

“Seems like you could benefit from having a friendly face around. Plus, as long as you don't mind, I'd be very, very happy to watch you get undressed.” She saw Aleks' cheeks flush a little as she nodded, grin growing a little wider as she watched her reach behind her back and unzip her dress. She always enjoyed watching her stretch her arms like that. Enjoyed any excuse she had to check them out, really. It was something Angela would have been happy to think more about if there wasn't so much else to distract her. “Do you want to talk some more? Do you want to cuddle?”

“Uh… Yeah. Yeah to both. Both is good.” Angela smiled, pushing herself up the bed as she watched Aleks turn to her with a grin. Still crying a little, still looking heartbreakingly sad. The grin seemed real enough, though. A good sign, as far as she was concerned. She patted the bed, pulling Aleks into a hug and giving her a gentle kiss. “Sorry for this. Didn't mean to make you late.”

“You don't have to apologize. Not as though I'm going to complain about cuddling you when you're half-dressed, is it?” Angela grinned as she heard Aleks chuckle, kissing her forehead and slowly stroking her hair. She wanted to keep her comfortable. Wanted to help her relax. It was the best way she could see to help her through this, whatever that ended up meaning. “Do you always feel like this when you wear dresses, or was this just a particularly bad day?”

“I… This is a bad day. Don't normally feel this bad.” Angela nodded, squeezing her a little tighter and feeling her shudder again, listening to her sniffle. She was talking, at the very least. More than she'd ever managed to do in the same situation. She'd always isolated herself when she was like this. Had never been brave enough to do anything else. She smiled again, gently kissing Aleks' forehead and stroking her hair.

“What was bad about it? Was there any specific thing that brought this on?” She kept holding Aleks tight, kept stroking her hair as she waited for an answer. She was happy to give Aleks as much time as she needed. If it meant being not even showing up to the party then so be it. Didn't matter how much she'd been looking forward to it. Not as though she'd be able to enjoy it if she left Aleks alone, anyway. She'd worried her way through enough parties to be sure of that.

“I think the dress brought up bad memories. Had a very bad experience in a similar one. Hadn't thought about it in ages.” She heard Aleks chuckling quietly, felt an arm wrap round her side and squeeze her tight. She let out a little sigh, gently tilting Aleks' face up to hers and kissing the end of her nose. Looked as though she'd stopped crying for now, and Angela couldn't help but smile at that. She was almost impressed in a way. She'd always taken hours to stop once she'd gotten started. “This is really stupid, isn't it?”

“It really isn't. I honestly can't imagine anything sadder than feeling like a man.” Aleks stared at her for a moment before giggling and burying her face in her chest. Angela started giggling too, kissing the top of her head and feeling her shudder in her grasp. It was always wonderful to hear her laugh. Always lovely to hear how cute she could sound. “Do you want to talk about it any more, or should we just drop things for now?”

“Dropping it would be nice. Would be appreciated.” Angela nodded, shifting herself down the bed till her face was level with Aleks'. She smiled at her, moving a hand up to her cheek and cupping it gently, making sure to keep stroking her hair the whole time. Always seemed to keep her calm. Aleks might have liked being hugged, but she loved having her hair played with. She loved it a lot.

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” Aleks stared at her, opening and closing her mouth a few times before as her cheeks started to redden. Angela chuckled, leaning forward to kiss her nose and circling her thumb across her cheek. “You know, you really don't have to be so embarrassed about asking for sex. Not like we haven't done it plenty of times already.” Aleks blushed a little more, grinning nervously as she quickly kissed her back.

“I know. I just… It's hard. I'm sorry.” Angela smiled, shaking her head and giving Aleks another kiss, brushing her tongue across her lips and feeling her shudder. No point telling her that there was no need to apologise. Knowing her, it'd probably only make her do it again, and she knew just how easily things could spiral from there. Better to cut it off while she had the chance.

“Where do you want me to touch you? Very happy to keep things above the waist if you'd prefer.” Aleks' bit her lip, nodding and grinning as Angela's hand moved slowly down to her chest. She dragged her fingers over her collar bone, feeling Aleks shudder again as she reached the top of her breast before pulling away with a smirk. “I'll let Ana know we won't be making it. Don't want her to start worrying about us, do we?” She chuckled as Aleks groaned, hopping off the bed and pulling out her phone.

“You think she's going to be mad?” Angela raised an eyebrow, shaking her head and trying not to laugh as Aleks stretched out on the bed and started grinning again. She bit her lip, letting her eyes drift down to her stomach as she settled back on the bed. She was still delighted by how wonderfully soft Aleks' body was. Strong and muscular, for sure, but chubby too. So much better for cuddling, in her opinion. So much better to play with.

“She'll understand. They'll be other parties. Plus, once I tell her what we're doing, I think there's a pretty good chance she'll want to join us instead.” She grinned as Aleks covered her face, watching her ears start to glow as she quickly sent a message to Ana. She dropped back onto the bed once she was done, setting her phone aside and reaching out to brush her fingers across Aleks' stomach. She felt her shiver, felt a rush of warmth through her own body as she leaned down and gave it a gentle kiss. Aleks let out a quiet moan and Angela shuddered a little, closing her eyes and licking and kissing a trail up her body. She hadn't had much alone time with Aleks the past few weeks. Might as well enjoy it while she still have the chance.


	3. Chapter 3

Aleks grinned nervously, gripping Ruth's hand tight as she stared around the bar. She'd been seeing her for a month now and she still wasn't sure how it had lasted this long. At least, she wasn't sure why Ruth was sticking around. Wasn't at all surprised that she was, though. Ruth was beautiful and funny and smart and Aleks would have spent every moment she had with her if she could. She was just unsure why Ruth seemed so eager to do the same with her.

Ruth had told her she was pretty, of course. Told her she was sweet and adorable. Things like that. Sometimes she believed her. Not right now, though. Not when she was wearing her prettiest black dress and looking as beautiful as she was ever going to manage and sitting in a room full of people who made her look like shit. That was without even including Ruth. Aleks felt like her heart was going to stop whenever Ruth smiled up at her. Whenever she gave her hand a squeeze. She'd shaved the side of her head, put on a lovely little flowery dress. Ruth looked gorgeous, and she didn't know how she could ever be anything but ugly compared to her.

Maybe she stuck around because she was trans, too. Maybe she felt as lonely as Aleks. She wasn't settling for Ruth, couldn't believe how lucky she was that they had any kind of relationship. She would have settled, though. Would have stayed with someone she didn't even like if it meant not being alone. She'd tried it plenty of times before. Seemed entirely possible that Ruth was doing the same. That she was just putting up with her because the alternative was too miserable.

“How you feeling, beautiful? Having fun?” Aleks nodded and forced a smile at Ruth, grabbing her drink and taking another swig of it. Some incredibly sweet cocktail Ruth had got for her. Very fruity. Made it very easy not to think about how much she was drinking, which was hopefully going to make it possible for her to do some karaoke soon. “You sure you're not nervous? You don't have to do this if you don't want to.”

“I do. I really do.” Her smile grew a little wider as she kept staring down at Ruth, as she gave her hand another little squeeze. She wasn't lying. She didn't think she was good, but Ruth seemed to enjoy it. Kept encouraging her to do it more, something she'd been happy to oblige. Hadn't considered what signing up the karaoke night would mean, though. Hadn't thought about just how many other people were going to be listening. “I'll be fine. It's normal to be nervous before stuff like this. Right?”

“I guess it is. Just don't want you to feel pressured to do it.” Aleks nodded and smiled, leaning down to give her a kiss. She felt a hand brushing across her cheek, felt her face flush as Ruth started giggling and kissing her back. “Could just go back to mine. It'd be nice to hear you sing, but there's plenty of fun things to do there too.” She pulled back from her, about to stammer out an answer when she heard her name being called. She grinned nervously again, downing her drink as she stood from her chair and shrugged.

“It's fine. I'll sing you a song, and then we can go. Sound good?” Ruth smiled up at her, giving her hand one final squeeze before she pulled away and headed to the stage. She could get through this. It was just one song. Just a few minutes of singing. Even if Ruth was the only one who liked it, she'd be happy. She was there for her. No one else.

She picked up the microphone and stared out at the crowd, stomach dropping as she saw them all staring back. At least she was doing this in a gay bar. Still nervous enough that she felt like she was going to throw up, but at least she'd have a vaguely supportive audience if she did. If she'd wanted to be judged by a room full of straight people she'd spend time with her extended family. No need to waste her money in a bar for that.

She felt her heart start to pound a little faster as the music started, staring straight at Ruth as she tried to get her nerves under control. She wished she'd had another drink. Wished there'd be time for one. No point worrying about that now, though. Had to concentrate on singing. On impressing Ruth. It was all that mattered now. She saw the words appear on the screen, took a deep breath as the ball bounced towards them and stared at Ruth again, watching her grin as she finally started to sing.

She heard her voice belt out from the speakers around her, felt her stomach drop as she started stumbling over the words. How long had she sounded like that? How many people had heard her speaking like that? She saw people in the crowd turning to each other as she started mumbling into the microphone, saw Ruth slowly stand up with a frown on her face. She stepped back, starting to pant as she moved to the edge of the stage. She couldn't stay. Couldn't deal with them staring at her. Couldn't listen to them talking about her, laughing at her.

She stumbled off the stage, face burning as she walked round the corner and headed to the toilets. She felt the first tears coming as she barged through the door, letting out a little sob as she shut herself into a stall. She hugged herself tight, closing her eyes as the tears started streaming down her cheeks. It was bad enough that she'd heard what she sounded like. Now all those people did too. If they hadn't before, they all thought she was a man now. How could they think anything else when she sounded like that. So deep and rough and awful.

Wasn't as though they were wrong, was it?

“Are you in here? Are you alright?” Aleks let out another little sob as she heard Ruth's voice, feeling her gut twist more as she heard her walking closer. As she heard her tapping on the stall door. “Do you want to talk? Is there anything I can do for you?”

“Just leave me alone. Please. I just want to be alone.” She let out another little sob, squeezing her arms hard as she forced her eyes open. She could see Ruth's shoes beneath the door, could see them turn around as she leaned back against it. She grabbed a piece of toilet roll, blowing her nose and taking and shaking as she tried to calm her breathing a little. “Why didn't you tell me I sound like that?”

“Sound like what? Your voice is beautiful, babe. I love it.” She opened her mouth, trying to speak and crying again when nothing came. She couldn't say it. Couldn't admit she sounded like a man, no matter how obvious it was. She didn't want to talk about that. Didn't want to hear Ruth lie just to make her feel better. “You don't have to stay in there. We can go back to my flat. Much nicer than this toilet, don't you think?”

“I...” She trailed off, trying not to sob again as she slowly stood up. She opened the door, watching Ruth turn around and smile softly up at her. She was so beautiful. So wonderful. It was hard to be around her when she was like this. Hard to be herself when she had proof of just how ugly she was. How pathetic she was. “I'm sorry.”

“Don't have to be sorry. Don't have to apologize for this stuff. I understand.” Ruth stepped forward and Aleks' face flushed as she felt herself being hugged tight. She slowly wrapped her arms around Ruth, trying not to cry more as she pulled her tight. She didn't know why she was still sticking around. Didn't know why she was being so nice to her. Wasn't really used to it. Not something she'd complain about, though. Not something she wanted Ruth thinking too much about. Plenty of time for her to realise how bad a choice staying with her was. No need for her to speed the process up.


	4. Chapter 4

“You really do look amazing in that. Glad I finally get to see it.” Ana grinned as Aleks blushed, watching her spin around before flexing her arms a little. She'd been waiting for weeks for this, and she was savouring every moment. It had definitely been a good idea to buy the one without sleeves for her. Fun as it would be to watch Aleks rip them open, it was a lot more practical to get her something she could wear more than once without destroying it.

“Glad you like it. Just sorry it's taken so long. Wasn't easy to put it on again after… you know.” She nodded, smile growing a little wider as Aleks crawled up the bed alongside her. The two of them hadn't really talked about it much, but Angela had explained things well enough. She'd been happy to wait for Aleks to be comfortable with wearing it again, and it really had been worth it. She looked gorgeous. Even more beautiful than normal, which was a truly impressive feat. She reached out for her hand, squeezing it tight as she laid down by her side. “That suit looks amazing on you, too. You'll definitely have to wear it the next time you take me out.”

“Of course I will. I'll always do my best to look good for my girls. Plus, it's a nice change from a ratty old uniform. Nice to feel classy for a little while.” Aleks chuckled, pulling her hand up to her mouth and gently kissing it, sending a little tingle across Ana's skin. She squeezed her hand a little harder before pulling away and reaching up to stroke her hair. “If you're able to, I'd love for you to wear that dress next time we go out. Get people wondering how an old woman like me got a pretty young thing like you.”

“Pretty obvious to me. You're hot. Kind and sweet and funny too, but the hotness is definitely the obvious part.” Ana grinned, stroking her hair a little harder and watching her smile. They'd been together for almost a year now. It was the longest relationship she'd had since she'd gotten divorced, and that felt like a lifetime ago. She wasn't entirely sure how it had happened. Wasn't sure how she'd gotten luck enough to have Aleks and Angela in her life like this. She was grateful for it, though. Grateful for every little bit of happiness she got to share with them. “Could I talk to you about something?”

“Whatever you want. Always happy to listen.” She smiled as Aleks pushed herself up to her knees, reaching down to take hold of her hand again. She wondered if it was about what had happened before the party. Could be anything, really, but that seemed possible. She felt a bit bad for hoping it was. Even if it had hurt a little that Aleks hadn't been able to talk about it before, she'd be happier if it was something that was behind her now. Happier if it was something she'd been able to move on from.

“It's, uh… Well, I...” Aleks trailed off, and Ana gave her hand a squeeze, running her thumb across her knuckles and shifting a little closer to her. She felt Aleks squeeze her hand back, watched her open and close her mouth as she tried to find something to say. Finally, she took a deep breath and stared into her eye, a determined look on her face as she finally spoke. “I'd like you to start calling me Aleksandra.” Ana waited for a moment, smile growing wider as she realised there wasn't anything else to be said.

“Of course. Don't know why you were so nervous. Hardly the biggest request in the world, is it?” Aleks –Aleksandra looked away from her, quietly chuckling and shrugging. Ana squeezed her hand tighter and reached up to her hair, stroking it gently and smiling at her. “Sorry. Not trying to make fun of you. I just don't know why it's such a big deal for you to ask me to call you your actual name. I'm not going to be bothered by not using a nickname any more.”

“I've never asked anyone else. Not since I first came out. It's scary.” Aleksandra shivered, and Ana felt an ache in her chest as she heard her sniffling. She kissed her gently, still stroking her hair as she listened to her take a deep breath. “Aleksandra was the name I wanted for so long, and it it broke my heart. I could wear a dress and grow my hair long and use a woman's name and they'd still treat me like a man. I couldn't cope with it. Didn't know how to.”

“I'm sorry. That's… I'm sorry.” She closed her eye, resting her forehead against Aleksandra's and feeling her shiver again, listening to her sniffle. She gave her another gentle kiss, gave her hand another gentle squeeze as she felt a tear drip onto her nose. “When did you start going by Aleks?”

“People started calling me it. Was a nickname. Didn't like it, but people accepted it much easier than Aleksandra.” Aleksandra pulled her head away from her, and she opened her eye, watching her open and closer her mouth a few times before letting out a sigh. “Aleks isn't a woman's name, so it hurt less when people got it wrong. Could act like it was a reasonable mistake when it happened. Was easier to live with.”

“That sounds… sad. Very sad. I'm sorry you went through that.” She let go of Aleksandra's hand, cupping her cheek and gently circling her thumb over it. She watched her shudder, watched her close her eyes as more tears started pouring from them. She leaned in to kiss her again, felt her shaking as she tried to kiss her back. Felt more tears dripping onto her face. “You don't have to say any more. Don't have to push yourself.”

“I want to. I just… I never liked Aleks. Got used to it, but I never liked it. Never made me happy like Aleksandra does.” Aleks- _Aleksandra_ opened her eyes, and Ana watched her grin as she felt a hand cup her cheek and stroke up through her hair. “I was always too scared to be who I really wanted. Never felt safe asking for it. Not till now. Kinda pathetic, right?” Ana shook her head, heart aching again as Aleksandra started sobbing, as she pulled her in for a hug and started gently shushing her.

“It's not. You're not.” She wrapped her arms round Aleksandra's body, squeezing her tight, feeling her body heave as her sobs grew heavier. She felt her face pushing into her neck, felt more tears falling onto her skin as she told her she was going to be fine. That she could cry for as long as she wanted. That she'd be there for her.

“You make me feel safe. Make me feel like I can be honest. I… I love you. I love you so much.” Ana sniffed a little as Aleksandra sobbed again, running her hands across her back and kissing her temple.

“I love you too, Aleksandra. And I'm glad. I want you to feel safe. I want you to be you.” She felt Aleksandra nodding, felt her cheeks flushing as she pulled back away from her and started smiling. Lip was still quivering a little, tears still streaming down her face, but she was smiling, and it was beautiful. It made her heart soar. “You're a wonderful woman. Brave and strong and kind and… I just want you to be you, whatever that is. Why would I ever want anything else?”

“I...” Aleksandra trailed off, burying her face in the pillow as her cheeks started to flush. Ana chuckled, giving her cheek a quick kiss as she started stroking her hair again. “How did I ever get lucky enough for someone like you to love me?” She felt her own cheeks flush a little, leaning in to give her another kiss and sighing happily against her. Still a charmer, even when she was crying. It really was impressive.

“Isn't it obvious? You're hot. Kind and smart and funny, but also very, very hot.” Aleksandra's cheeks grew even redder, and Ana pulled away from her with a chuckle. She pulled a lock of her hair up, watching it fall back to her head as she reached the end. “This is getting long for you. Should I help cut it soon, or would you prefer to grow it out?” She wasn't necessarily trying to change the subject. Just providing an option if that was desired. She'd always appreciated when it was done for her. Always appreciated being given an out.

“Cutting would be appreciated. Dying too, if you're up for that.” Ana nodded, grinning as she kept stroking Aleksandra's hair, as she felt a hand move to her hip and grip it gently. “There's other things you could do for me too, you know.”

“Oh? Got anything specific in mind?” She chuckled as Aleksandra blushed and looked away from her, giving her hair a gentle tug and drawing a gasp from her. “That kind of thing, right?” She nodded and Ana smirked, pulling her head to the side and leaning in to kiss her neck. She felt Aleksandra's body stiffen, heard her let out a little moan as she pushed her onto her back and stared down at her, slowly licking her lips.

“Be gentle with me. And, uh… keep it above the waist today. Could push a thigh up there, but I don't think I can deal with anything more right now.” Ana nodded, giving her hair another gentle pull as she leaned in for another kiss. She was happy to give Aleksandra whatever she needed. Happy to be as tender as she could be. Wasn't as though it didn't feel good for her, either. She'd spent a lifetime being hard. Being tough. She wasn't going to turn down any chance to be soft for a while. Not when Aleksandra made her feel so comfortable doing it.

She heard another moan rise from her as she gave her hair another little tug, as she flicked her tongue across her lips. She moved her other hand up to her forehead, stroking a finger across the scar above her eye and sighing. Same side as hers, just a little bit higher. A little less nasty. She was grateful for that, even if an unpleasant part of her got a little bit jealous sometimes. Aleksandra had walked away from whatever had happened with a lovely scar, a star above her brow. She'd lost her eye. Hard not to feel a little bitter about that sometimes, no matter how much she might hate herself for it.

“You look so beautiful right now. So pretty.” She moved her hand down to Aleksandra's cheek and leaned up to kiss the scar, grinning as she heard her quietly giggle. “The dress really does suit you. I'd love to see what you look like in some different ones, if you're interested in that.” She pushed herself up, eye drifting down Aleksandra's body as she saw her give a quick nod.

“Could do that. Could be nice to dress up in private, once in a while.” Ana nodded, biting her lip as her gaze moved across her chest. It was rare to see showing a bit of cleavage. Rare to see so much of her shoulders. Rare when she still had her clothes on, at least. She moved a hand to her chest, tracing her fingers across the top of her chest and hearing her suck in a breath. “Could just leave the dress on for now, too. Might be fun. Might be hot.” Ana smirked, pulling at the top of her dress and hearing her let out a little whimper, watching her cheeks flush as she looked away from her.

“Certainly sounds hot. Going to have to be careful, of course. Don't want to damage such a lovely thing, do I?” She chuckled as Aleksandra shook her head, gently gripping her breast and watching her eyes squeeze shut. She pushed it against her and ran her thumb across her nipple, feeling a rush of warmth through her body as she let out another quiet gasp, squirming on the bed beneath her. She felt a sudden ache in her chest as she watched her smile, as she leaned down to kiss her collarbone, working her way up to her neck. She was so beautiful, such a delightful woman to be with, and she couldn't seem to see it. It broke her heart to think about. Made her want to cry and hold her close and tell her how wonderful she was. Tell her just how much she meant to her.

Now wasn't the time for that, though. Aleksandra needed something else from her right now. She needed to feel desired, needed to feel wanted. She needed Ana's actions more than her words, and she was entirely happy with that. She'd always been better at doing than talking, and Aleksandra made it very easy to be good at this. She could have spent her whole life like this, teasing her and fucking her and making her cum. Making her feel loved. When that was what she wanted, when it was everything she needed, how could Ana possibly want anything but the same?

“I love you Aleksandra. I love you so much.”


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The later parts of this chapter maybe border on something like suicidal ideation. Not for long, but it feels like that to me, so I only thought it fair to give a little warning.

“I love… I love… I love you.” She struggled to respond as she felt Ana kissing up her neck, as she felt her nipple being pinched and rolled between her fingers. She pulled Ana close to her, letting out a whimper as she felt her suck at her skin, as she heard a soft moan rise from her. She let out a moan of her own as Ana started moving higher, as she lips brush against her ear.

“You really do make the most wonderful noises.” Aleksandra squeaked, face flushing and back arching as Ana whispered, as her tongue flicked across her ear lobe. Her legs tensed, pushing against the sheets as Ana kept kissing at her ear, gasping and moaning whenever she felt her tongue push into her ear. Her body started trembling, one hand pulling Ana hard against her as the other grabbed at the sheets, as her breathing became more and more ragged. She kept gasping for breath, kept letting out broken moans as Ana kept rubbing her nipple, kept licking and sucking at her ear, kept pushing her further and further until she couldn't take any more.

Her entire body tensed as she came, arching from the bed as she clawed at Ana's back. She felt like she was on fire, felt like electricity was coursing through her body as she trembled under her, as a wonderful ache started spreading out from her stomach. Ana kept kissing her ear, kept whispering into it as she slowly dropped back to the bed, as she finally started to relax again. She panted for breath, sweat dripping down her skin as she heard a quiet chuckle from above her.

“Well that was quick. Do you want me to keep going?” She quickly nodded, cheeks flushing as she heard Ana chuckle again, as she felt a gentle kiss land on her cheek. “Wonderful. I'd barely gotten started, and it's always so much fun to push you when you're feeling this sensitive.” Aleksandra nodded, letting out a whine as she felt a finger brushing across her nipple again, as another bolt of electricity surged through her body.

“Fun to be pushed. See how… fuck.” Another moan escaped her as Ana started kissing her neck again, as she started moving back down it. She'd never know how good sex could be till she'd met her. Never known how good she could feel. She'd always thought it was hard for her to cum, that it was never worth the effort, but she'd been wrong. She'd just needed someone who could figure out how. Someone who could read her and open her up and help her let herself go. Angela could do it too, but Ana had been the first. The first to make her feel like this. The first to make her feel this safe. “I love you. I love you I love you I...”

Aleksandra trailed off, breath catching in her throat as she felt Ana kiss her collarbone, as she felt her teeth brush against her. She gripped the sheets hard, back arching again as she felt the top of her dress being pulled down, as she felt cool air wash over her nipples. She lifted her head, straining to keep it up as she watched Ana move further down her chest, shuddering as she winked up at her. She grinned back, about to say something when she felt her nipple being squeezed and dropped back on to the pillow with a gasp.

“No need to strain yourself. Just relax and let me take care of you.” She whimpered, face flushing as Ana chuckled against her, as she forced herself to nod. Her body tensed as she felt a kiss on the top of her breast, as she felt her other being squeezed, felt fingers gently twisting her nipple. Her head dropped to the side, moaning and gasping for air as she felt her lips moving lower and lower till they finally brushed over her nipple and sent a shock through her. Her mouth hung open in silence, one hand yanking the sheets loose while the other shook and desperately grasped for Ana. She took hold of her hair, finally letting out a little scream as she felt her moan against her breast, as she felt her start sucking on her nipple.

Her body started trembling as Ana's tongue circled it, as she was pushed closer and closer to the edge for a second time. Her feet squirmed across the bed, muscles burning as she gasped and moaned. She squeezed her eyes shut tight, seeing lights flash as she came a second time, an almost unbearable ache spreading through her as Ana kept sucking, kept licking. She pulled her hair tighter, babbling her name as her body shook, as the ache in her muscles grew and grew. She wasn't sure how much more she could take when it finally broke, falling back to the bed and giggling as a numbness spread across her body.

Ana wasn't giving her any time to recover, though. She felt her kissing across her chest to her other breast, felt heat rising again as the numbness faded. She squeezed her eyes shut, moaning loudly as Ana started sucking on her other nipple, legs already trembling as she felt another orgasm rapidly approaching. This was when she had to figure out how much pleasure she could withstand, how long she could last before she finally had to push Ana away. She vaguely a hand cup her cheek, felt a thumb being pushed through her lips. She sucked hard on it, moaned loudly round it as Ana's tongue kept circling her nipple, kept pushing her closer and closer to the edge.

Her body ached as she came again, arching from the bed as her mouth hung open, as the world around her went fuzzy. She could still feel Ana licking her, kissing her, but it was hard to know where. Hard to think about anything as she babbled Ana's name, as she gripped at the sheets and whimpered. She finally collapsed onto the bed, panting and moaning as she started to come round, legs squirming as Ana sucked and nipped at her collarbone. Her body was already aching again, already close to the edge. Sweat dripped down her face, her hair sticking to it as she her head fell to the side, as she felt Ana's thumb pressing down on her tongue.

She came again, body burning as she tilted her head back and let out a little scream, reaching up to try and weakly push at Ana. She needed to stop. Couldn't take any more. She felt light-headed as she squeezed her eyes shut, as her body burned and shuddered. She could feel Ana crawling up her side, could feel a kiss on her cheek and hear something being whispered in her ear as she finally started coming down. She flopped against the bed, moaning and gasping for breath as Ana held her tight, desperately trying to concentrate on her touch.

“Finally had enough, then?” Aleksandra tried to speak but nothing came, so she nodded, giggling between breaths as she felt Ana kiss her cheek again. She pushed her legs out straight, wincing a bit at how stiff they were. Always felt like she'd had a big workout after something like this. Always left her struggling to move for a while. She turned to stare at Ana, forcing her eyes open and grinning at her as she watched a smile grow on her face. She was sweating too. Very good to know. “How are you feeling?”

“I...” She trailed off, biting her lip as Ana started stroking her hair. Her patch was gone. Wasn't sure when that had happened. Probably gotten too sweaty to keep it on. She glanced at the scar twisting round the side of her head, smiling softly as she shook her head and let her hair fall over it. It had taken her a while for her to be comfortable letting it be seen. Aleksandra had understood, and she'd never complain about Ana wanting to hide it. She was glad it could come off around her, though. Glad Ana felt safe enough to do that. “You're so beautiful.”

“Always such a charmer.” Ana chuckled and shook her head, and Aleksandra felt her face flush. Not as though she was saying anything that wasn't obvious. Anyone could see that Ana was beautiful. Always had been, but Aleksandra had only ever seen pictures before they met. Never been able to hear her laugh. Never been able to see her smile. Never been able to feel how gentle she could be, to know how kind and loving she was, what a dork she could be. Never known all the little things that pictures missed, that the stories she'd heard never talked about. All those wonderful bits of her that made her so beautiful. Hard to believe she was here with her, sometimes. Hard to believe that this was what Ana wanted. “You're crying. Is something wrong?”

“Oh? I, uh...” She sniffed, quickly reaching up to wipe away a tear. Didn't know when that had started, but she thought she knew why. She grinned, giggling as she closed her eyes and pulled Ana into a tight hug. “I'm happy. I'm just really, really happy.” It wasn't just Ana and Angela, no matter how important they were to her. It was everyone, everyone she worked with and lived with and spent her life with. They saw her for who she was, and they still cared about her. Still wanted her around. People loved her, and sometimes that was enough to make her love herself. Caught her by surprise, sometimes. Made her a bit emotional.

“You really are utterly adorable sometimes.” Aleksandra kept giggling, giving Ana's cheek a kiss as she felt more tears streaming down her face. Wasn't really used to happy crying yet. Weird for her chest hurt like this when she wasn't miserable. Then again, it wasn't as though she was entirely happy either. There was something at the edge of her mind. Something nagging away at her, trying to take her away from the moment. “I love you, Aleksandra. I'm very happy too.” She nodded and sniffed, kissing Ana's cheek as she started stroking her hair too. It wasn't as though she had anything to be unhappy about now. Wasn't anything wrong at all. This was as close to perfect as she was ever going to get. She just… She'd spent so long without this. Without anything even close to it.

She'd spent so much of her life trying so hard to be happy, and she'd never even had a chance.

“I love you. I love you so much.” She sobbed through the words, squeezing Ana tight and burying her head in her shoulder. She was happy now. Not all the time, but enough of it. Enough to give her some hope when she was at her worst. How could she ever have lasted so long without that? How had she managed to survive all those wasted years when she didn't even know what she was living for? “I'm sorry.”

“You don't have to be. It's alright. Cry as much as you need.” Another sobbed racked her body as Ana's hand held her head, as she felt a gentle kiss on her cheek. So much time with people who'd never cared who she was, who'd never cared about anything but their own fun. So much time assuming everyone else was the same, pushing them away because they had to hate her as much as she'd hated herself. Because any niceness they showed her had to be a lie. “I'm here for you, my love. Whatever is wrong, whatever you want to share, you're safe with me. I promise.”

“I know. I… I know.” Aleksandra sniffed, giggling quietly as her crying started to slow and kissing Ana's neck. There wasn't anything else she could say for now, but she knew she could. Knew Ana would listen to whatever she had to say, no matter how ridiculous or sad or stupid it might be. That was probably what relationships were meant to feel like. Probably something she could have had before if she'd ever actually let herself be happy. “Can we just keep cuddling for a while? Feels nice.”

“Of course. Angela will probably be up soon, too. Sure she'd be happy to join in.” Aleksandra nodded and smiled, giggling again as she felt a gentle kiss against her neck. She finally started to relax, breathing finally steadying as she felt Ana's hands rubbing across her back, as she listened to her whispering in her ear, telling her how wonderful she was. How loved she was. How happy she made Ana.

She believed it. All those little voices telling her that she was ugly and horrible and unlovable… well, they were still there, but they were quieter than before. Had been for a while. So much easier to drown out. She didn't know how long it would last, didn't know if she'd end up back in the same place she'd always been. No reason to worry about that, though. Ana thought she was loveable. Thought she was good. Angela did too. She might not have agreed, but if they thought she deserved to be happy, well, who was she to argue?

**Author's Note:**

> Follow me at my new writing twitter twitter.com/andis_writing or at my tumblr that I still kind of use as much they let me, theflyingpeanutwritesthings.tumblr.com


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